Doomed Date Diaries by Bethany Quinn
It felt a bit like a double date. I was sitting in Matt's removal van waiting for a call from Suzie. She was leaving her boyfriend, Geoff, for the ninth time. Their most recent 'mini break' had lasted an impressive 32 minutes. This time she was serious though- so she hired me. Given her track record I'd insisted on a large deposit. I was glad I had. We'd been waiting for three hours.
I had Dennis with me too. Clive and Hannah were both away, secretly pursuing new love interests, so I'd rather foolishly offered to look after him for the weekend. Overnight my flat had been transformed from small and untidy to small, untidy and chewed. There were sticks too. Lots of them. Have you ever tried getting a stick from a Bull Terrier? It's a bit like trying to forcibly remove a stroppy teenager's nose piercing. Impossible. Matt was feeding him bits of chicken sandwich. Dennis was feigning disinterest in that sort of 'No- no- no!- Oh go on then, if you insist!' way that dogs have.
Still no call. I checked to see if my phone was broken. It wasn't. Matt let out one of those long, breathy sighs that signifies 'bored now' in man-speak.
'You know that Peter's back?' I said, trying to get a conversation going.
'I heard,' Matt replied, handing the last crust of his sandwich to Dennis. Matt and his older brother James went to school with Peter. They weren't exactly friends. They used to draw rude pictures on his face with crayons.
'So what's the story?' I asked. Matt knew everything about everyone. He was a listener. A trait in men that is most often characterised by its rarity.
'He says he was hit by a truck and lost his memory.' Matt said.
'Uh-huh,' I said. What I really meant was 'Yeah- right!'
Matt had been equally unconvinced. 'I spoke to his sister. Apparently he left your place and went straight to the pub and got absolutely wasted. It all gets a little complicated after that but he ended up living in a caravan for three and a half years with a half Swedish, half Norwegian girl who was happy to take her clothes off but preferred just holding hands.'
My phone rang. It was Suzie. 'We're going to get married,' she said excitedly.
I guess we all make mistakes.