Happy hump-day my lovelies! Today I leave you with the hilarious Bethany Quinn, and Part 2 of Doomed Date Diaries...
Doomed Date Diaries by Bethany Quinn
Just for the record, I don't usually let my date spend the entire evening talking about their ex. It's one of my rules, but in John's case I made an exception. We'd be doing each other a favour. He seemed to have a lot to get off his chest and my glass of Chilean Organic Shiraz was so blindingly awful that I needed something to take my mind off the fact that my tonsils were probably melting. He wanted to talk and I could barely breath, so I let him. Call it an executive decision.
The first indication John had that his wedding was going sideways was when his best man didn't show up in the morning. As he was staying in the adjacent room that seemed a little odd. An hour later and John's future wife failed to show too, followed by the plane tickets and the reservations for the fabulously expensive honeymoon in the Maldives. They took all his holiday clothes- and the bumper pack of condoms- and scoured his heart out in the process.
John just spent the day sitting in his hotel room, half in and out of his morning suit. He could hear his dad standing outside the door, fending off well-meaning guests.
'Let's give the poor lad a few minutes, he's having a bit of day.'
Skip forward two months and just when John had finished returning the last of the wedding presents, there's a knock at the door. His ex fiancé is standing on the doorstep, still brown from her trip to the Indian Ocean.
'I'm pregnant,' she said.
'What do you want me to do about it? he said.
'It's yours,' she said.
'No it isn't,' he said
'Okay, you're right. It isn't,' she said. 'It was a mistake.'
John tried hard to work out which part she meant, after all, they had taken all the condoms. Then he noticed her bags.
'I've got nowhere to live. I thought maybe we could try again?'
I wasn't there- obviously- but I imagine it was the sound of the door slamming that had broken John into so many desperate pieces. He stopped talking and looked at me with a knowing smile.
'You probably won't want to come out on another date, will you?' He said.
I shook my head. 'Sorry,' I said.
Maybe the Chilean Organic Shiraz wasn't that bad after all.